Tinder box for the soul ......

I usually have a real fire in my belly.

I don’t mean in the form of heartburn or indigestion - despite my desire to often eat raw, hot chillies on my cheese butty; but in the ‘I’ve got gumption’ way.
I’m struggling to sit and concentrate on ‘my screenplay and other stories’ at the moment so I took the stress relieving action that I’ve learnt and I have walked away from it: All of it.

Walked away is possibly a little over dramatic, if I’m totally honest, I’ve only just slightly turned one shoulder to it whilst keeping one eye locked on it, my hand slightly touching; keeping it safe. I am bonded to my project in a way that now sees it as a major part of my life as far as hopes, dreams and desires are concerned. I blogged earlier about whether or not this project was beginning to ‘define me’ because it always sparked an enormous amount of passion in me when discussing it. Not many other subjects were doing that, but this one has been very close to my heart for several years.

I have learnt to take a break though. When other things in my life are getting in the way of my mental freedom, I have learnt that I have to put my writing to one side. It is not simply because ‘I give up’ or that I can’t battle on through it, but because I can actually use 'reverse psychology' on my own brain. Indeed, I outwit myself!

Yes, if I tell myself to walk away, to take a break, to get myself away from whatever it is that is causing me stress, then you can guarantee that within days, even hours, I’ve convinced myself that I actually want, actually need, what it was that I walked away from.

Not only do ‘I have gumption’ but I am also well known for being ‘tenacious’. To me that always sounds like I’m a bull in a china shop, but let’s face it, it does mean I always get the job done, that I don’t give up! I think this is why I’m not afraid to take a break, to let my brain ‘breathe a while’ because I know full well that at some point the ‘tenacious me’ will out itself again.

I also know that at the moment, a possible short term move abroad might just be taking up some of that valuable 'thinking real-estate' in my mind and it’s attempting to evict all other subject-inhabitants - though I think that this will only spur me on to work harder on my project! I would need to finish it before I move as there would be little time to complete it once abroad and there is no way I could ever leave my project home alone!

I’ve also had some friendship issues that have made me melancholic. They’ve also made me revert inwards and probably forced me to judge myself in an unnecessarily harsh way. But although this has happened and it has put me off my stride with regards to my screenplay, it has thickened the urge to get another project on the go; or at least pen some notes on these new ideas. I know all too well, that the mood of my writing matches that of my own, so when I feel hurt and upset, I find solace by totally indulging myself in a project, or a character, that demands some dark, inward reflection. And so I understand that my screenplay, with its light hearted subject, becomes abstract at these times and I find myself walking away from it in order to work on something of a more 'morose genre'; letting it absorb the sombre mood.

Perhaps the fire in my belly is merely in need of a spark to rekindle its glow - Perhaps someone has a tinder box for the soul that I could use?

xx
Ag

Enthusiasm, Passion or just a bore?

My Granddad died in 2003.This was just the beginning.

In the late nineties he started researching a family story that had intrigued him from a young age. As a boy, he had been there to witness the affluent New York lawyers pulling up outside their modest Manchester home, in the "shiny black automobiles" and through family recollections he had the beginning threads of a story that down the generations has intrigued and warranted a progression of research.

I had initially helped my Granddad out in the early days, by typing up his handwritten notes onto a typewriter (yup-'typewriter' so I guess that dates the start of his project), so when he died, my Grandma gave me his folder of writings and having the 'shiny new internet' at my finger tips, I vowed to take some ownership and began where he left off.

Okay, so it's 2010, but I've worked all these years and picked this project up and down when and where able, I feel tardy with it, but for the last year I have made progress and great head way with where and what I should be doing with this story.


It appears that after a lot of research into technique and even more thought into what I want to portray, that a screenplay is the best way that I can pay service to the story. I figured this out sometime late last November, so although my attention has been on the story for some years, my focus is in relative infancy.


It's true: Wanting to write is like 'having homework for the rest of your life', because that it exactly what I have. But it isn’t like the homework that I had in school, this I want to complete. This homework I think about in my lunch hour, before I go to bed, when I get up, when I'm sat in stand-still traffic on the M6. Tiny thoughts sometimes, big brain aching conundrums at others.


So, forgive me that I talk about it, that I tweet about it, that I update my Facebook status about it; only I'm just a little bit passionate about it as a project.
I don't have a blind confidence in my writing abilities. In fact I have very little confidence at all.I just know, deep in my heart and in my every nerve and fibre that this; that this project could just be the reason for my being, and that gives me solace on even the darkest of days.


I talk to people at work, I talk to my family, I 'talk' to Twitter, and I 'talk' to Facebook about my progress' it's a ‘modern day diary’ of the ups and downs of my journey. Something that maybe-just may be of interest if and when I finish this screenplay and finally see it made for an audience to watch.


My Granddad would be so proud, so pleased with my progress on the research that he inspired me to carry out, and it is sad that he won't be here to see it in it's final film release (yes, I forever remain optimistic) But,I don't care how long this takes, how many revisions, how many scripts I have to go away and write and come back to; this - this will always be my first- The first tale that I wanted to tell. And so it has to be perfect in the end. Taking ‘No’ for an answer will not be an option; because I will not let it out of my care until it can truly take care of itself!


You've grasped my enthusiasm and I think you've sensed my passion, but what I guess I am questioning is whether or not - to those around me, that this is what is beginning to define me? I have wonderful, wonderful work colleagues who seem to gladly put up with my speedily delivered ideas and concepts on the project. When I realised the ending (which had taken four years to decide on) and excitedly pitched it to a friend, I was marvelled by the look in his eyes when I did. I saw this flash of wonder, this look that he seemed almost overwhelmed by my passion and excitement towards my revelations. I'll never forget that he gave me a look of 'consolidating agreement'. He looked straight into my eyes - His as wide as Mine.


With some people, I don’t get this response. Unfortunately it is from those, perhaps considered closest to me. I talk about the story, about my ideas about the progress I make and they are truly disinterested. I guess I have to grasp that not all people will find this 'their cup of tea', but am I wrong to think that this person should really be supporting me, really be listening, really be helping me?


I have channelled so much energy into this project that I do begin to think that I need a co-writer; not just from an ability angle but from the angle that perhaps I just need someone to talk to - to collaborate with. I know this is MY story; MY Granddad’s story, MY family's story, but as I want to share it with others, why not share my ideas with another and have them help guide it? Not having someone closer than family to share this with is perhaps what is making my thoughts meander. It is difficult to find someone to trust with what is in your head, heart and soul and for me - what is essentially my Granddad’s legacy.


So,until fresh ears refrain from perking up when I pitch this story, a 'project bore' I shall remain, and if I'm honnest, if it brings my dream to life: I'm not even sorry ;0

....maybe it was the cheese.....

The 'Ending' for my screenplay-story dawned on me over a glass of wine and, some very good, cheese on toast, in the hotel the other day!

Sometimes, solitude in a hotel bar can have it's advantages. For some reason it focuses my brain, it makes me think of the obvious instead of constantly searching for something 'surprising or clever'. Getting 'back to basics' does'nt necessarily mean 'boring'. Maybe, just maybe, the 'obvious' can be the 'surprise'.

So, now that I have an idea for my ending, what does this mean? It suggests that I know how to mold some of the characters that I have already created. The ones that have been 'living in motivational-limbo' (until I knew whether their purpose and direction is 'friend or foe') can now be reawakened.

It also means that I have sufficient momentum to carry me through every scene; I can set my character-dominoes up and have them fall precisely where I want and need them to.

Maybe it was the cheese that helped? After all, it is known for provoking 'weird dreams' - if eaten late at night - perhaps it has hidden stimuli for one's imagination.....If that's the case, I may be eating a lot more of it during this writing process.....

xx

Ag

Photo: flickr.com/photos18442024@N00/2903331494

DUG UP LIKE THIS YEAR'S POTATOES!

Yes, it's me.
I'm not paying a ghost-blogger to do it for me...but now you come to mention one...maybe...

No.

I'm getting back into writing my thoughts on my Compelling Zest blog.

I've had a little edit and update on my profile page and I've a few things I want to pop on - I've had a lot to comment on laterly so figured I had best get my blog dusted off and use this in tandem with my Twitter and Facebook accounts.

For someone not very sociable, I'm a very Social person it appears!!

Ok, so, I may jot down a random feeling a thought, a memory, opinions, comments on things I am reading or researching - if you like it, come along for the ride, if you don't, there will be plenty of stops along the way for you to alight and hop back on at a later stop....

It's good to have you along to share.....

xx
Anna

I keep finding stuff......

No matter what iron is in my fire, I have to keep adding to it........

I keep finding stuff I want to do and somehow I fail to find the time (and physical energy) to have a go at them all - I swear it's where all the headaches come from, the brain just won't shut down!!!

Forget the housework, the going to work, the homely chores, I'm talking about ALL those things that interest me, that fire me up, the stuff I don't know how to do and want to know how!

Take gardening, not a big fan of it; too impatient to watch things grow and not a clue where to start. Well, I didn't three years ago but after a bit of practise, I still don't have a clue, but I have a pretty good idea where to start and from that point I have learnt to let nature tell me what to do next. Nature lets you make mistakes and rectify them the next year - it's the best learning curve there is! It's just a pity the British weather makes for a poor classroom assistant.

Take drumming, I did it as a teenager, too busy to keep it up and no detached house to fit a kit into, well, not much changed here, but I still enjoy my drumming lessons, it's a skill I don't have and an activity I truly enjoy and I want to learn it to my highest level!

Take writing this screenplay I have started on. Too busy to write twenty four seven (More's the pity) and as a slave to my inner creativity I often find I can go days before inspiration bites and I write more. I still have a very long way to go with this project, but like with all of my passions they tend to buzz around my head like an incessant worker bee until the work is done!

Take the cross stitch I started in 2003 for my Mum and still haven't finished it! It's been to Australia and Sardegna with me, it's been worked on in sunshine and in the heart of the winter months, it's had bits redone because I made a mistake and had to rectify it (no one else would have known, but I would, seeing it hung on the wall, errors and all). But, I will finish it, when I can and preferably before I die!

Take learning Italian. Too busy to sit down and have Italian lessons during the week , so I utilise the time I have in the car (in between TomTom giving me verbal directions) with a learn Italian CD, I have a feeling I will be looking at ways of learning stuff in my sleep at this rate just to fit it all in!

Take the house and all it's redecoration jobs. My pot of ideas is bigger than the pot of gold!

Take the bespoke, designer shelving system I want to make for the living room wall and again my pot of ideas is bigger than the pot of gold and the pot of time!

Take the wood carving (well...my Grandad used to be a wood carver so I naturally think I am able!!) , not only do I want to finish the cross stitch but I want to frame it in a hand carved wood frame, one that I carved with teddy bears to match the cross stitch (or rather have to as I can't find one to buy anywhere and if I have to commission one, I'll commission it to myself!!) and it all has to be as perfect as I can possibly make it.

I have a feeling that as most people role their previous years annual leave in to the next holiday year, I will be rolling my wants and desires into my next life!! I'd like to think that all these current interests are enough to keep me entertained for the next 30 or 40 years, but I think we know I'll find more along the way......................

Right, time to get writing/sewing/carving/learning Italian/drumming/gardening (delete as appropriate according to creative flow ;0)

xx
AG

Balancing the Faith.

There is nothing worse than being told or knowing that to make it yours, you have to write it.
Ok, I am trying.
Ok, I have a job that takes up a large majority of my time.
Ok, I haven’t won the lottery and can think about building that Italian fattoria where I want to spend my days writing,
Ok I get it!

But get this - I can’t write this in a day!
I can’t write this and it NOT be perfect.
I can’t write this and not have it offer something special.

Otherwise what would be my point?

Am I writing this because I have suddenly had an epiphany that I want to write, that I want to screen write?
Am I writing this because I have a passing fad that interests me and this time it happens to be screenwriting?

Nope, I am writing this because since 2003 this tale, this story – this True story has been hanging around me; noosed around my neck.

Now, call it fate that my Grandfathers basic, initial research fell into my hands after he died. Fate that the idea fell into the hands of someone who wanted a great story to tell. Call it fate that after days and weeks and years of searching I have uncovered evidence and research that not everyone could find. Just call it fate that this is something I am very, very passionate about, and believe that others will feel passionate about too.

So forgive me for being a little scared about getting it wrong.

Oh, I have no doubt that the day I print off the manuscript and forward it on I will probably be drunk! I will probably be so sick of the sight of the thing so bewildered by it’s hold over me that I will probably write the last sentence , print it and in a drunken stupor think sod it and and send it!

But as much as I think this might be my fate, I am still not entirely sure:
I Might have more faith in me than that and a hope that others might do to!

Failure doesn’t scare me.
Failure when you haven’t even tried doesn’t scare me.
Failure when you did try – does.

So, I have to write this perfect thing.

This thing that no director; no producer would ever want to change. I have to write the perfect thing that is so unique, that is so awe en capturing that not only do I get paid, but everyone gets to share in my intrigue, in my passion of such a tale.
Would you give up now, knowing all this? Or would you just carry on? Wondering if somewhere there is a calling for you? And I don’t just mean for last orders!

Generally, if I go on about something enough, people get my passion. It might be rammed swiftly down their throats, but they get it, they get my drive, my desire. What if all that is wrong? What if it’s all a big waste of time? What if no one wants to know the story, what if they do and they hear it and they find cleaning the oven more invigorating?

This stuff worries me.
This stuff can give me writers block. This stuff can make me doubt even the stuff!

Maybe not enough to quit though.
To pause and reflect – Yes.
To forget all hopes of the story I had to tell in production – Nope

Apparently It Has To Be Good...

...the script that is.
Apparently , if the script is good, it will sell.
Apparently, if you have a huge 'story molecule' with 'good idea' neutrons then, as science is science, successful writing is just that.
However, if I write the script myself and it sells then not only is there a mid six figure smile to be had, but it's also known as a 'Spec Script' , but if that doesn't sell then it can become a 'writing example' which means it might get you pitched to write for other 'in the works' ideas or pitches!
Oh and sometimes it can take over five years to complete and be good enough to get your script to an A+ stage.
OK , fine, I get all this and to be honest...it just motivates me more!
It motivates me to get the thing done and to keep going.
It makes me understand that if it is truly good, then it will be acknowledged as such - apparently 'I am the expert' because I am writing about something I know about, something from within me , so who else would be the expert if not me? !!

However, I do get caught between the old style way of writing and the new modern way (i.e like a diary vs a blog) and find that I make notes written on paper AND in MS One Note! I don't seem to have ideas collated in one place and if they are , they are duplicated! I need a piece of blank paper, football pitch in size and and a really small nibbed pen - THEN, I think I could make my notes, my time lines and my story beats fit!

Maybe I need roller-dex cards and I could write my ideas out on there - mmm must remember to number the suckers if I do, or one lollop off the coffee table and the story would end up Tarentino style; back to front!!!

It's also hard to try and change my working hat - one minute I am writing or rather Researching and trying to make sense of all the information and the next minute I feel I need to learn my art before I try and approach it. Lets face it, the only thing I have written is several stories at school, my own accounts of the Rallying world, foreign travel and half a book that was wiped when the laptop died in 1999!

But, as they say - the mind has to be exercised like any other muscle and as such by just thinking about my goal and achieving my first written script (blimey, I said First...seems the subconscious has plans for me!) and by maybe just writing things here, I can exercise my writing brain to produce a script that I feel the expert on, the script that is good, just because it is!